My cycle of misery (Short blog)

I sit here thinking about how I constantly go through a roller coaster of emotions. I feel good (high) one second and the next I feel bad (Low). These emotions have been driving me crazy, for it feels like the ride will never end. And I'm traveling too fast to even jump out. So, I write this as an analysis of my thoughts to get one step closer to seeing into my subconscious again. For I have been able to reach in there, being able to pull deep feelings and thoughts I would have never seen in my consciousness. As the years have pass, I can no longer reach in and must find the way to open it again.

I have seen a cycle within myself in which I go from ideas and wants that i need to execute and then stop it. And I have been deep at thought of why I do such a thing. This continuous cycle of repetitive non pursuit of my goals or ideas is what truly brings me misery. I feel on top of the world when new ideas come to mind. They make me feel happy for the ideas that come into my mind can be shared with you guys. Now my life isn't perfect, I would say it is a bit of a mess in my current situation. I'm not necessarily facing any financial nor physical troubles. Yet I am facing mental challenges.

These mental challenges have led me down a path of constant repetition of letting myself down and feeling a desire to do more and learn to find my true purpose. My ideas of the ideal man, the ideal father, the ideal husband aren't just some of the things that keep bogging me down for I must find out what is the ideal to myself. Yet the one thing that keeps letting me down is myself for before I even start the steps towards the goals and ideas that I have I stop myself. As fast as these ideas come in which such great detail the ideas of fear and doubt come in with such a ferocity and speed in which I feel that I cannot give rid of them. I myself am my biggest enemy, and I know I must break the cycle.

Recently I've been thinking of the great David Goggins for his amazing mental work. For when I was younger, I looked up for him and he was the one that helped me get out of my first depression. His books provide great detail of what he went through and provide great advice on how one can almost do the same. He came into mind while talking and writing about loyalty. For I believe one must have loyalty to himself in which I feel I fail myself in. For I constantly put myself in this cycle of misery in which I don't accomplish the goals and ideas that I want to get done. So, with this quick blog I want to remind myself and remind you that that shit just needs to get done. To show myself respect I must do hard things challenge myself and work my ass off even if I feel fear, even if I feel anxious, I must act.

I will move even if I feel lazy. I will write even in my head feel scrambled. I shall rest even if I feel I have 1000 things to do. For I must find the perfect balance of working resting in which I will feel relieved and accomplishment. For my biggest fear is being stuck in one place again that fear becomes a reality every day I don't act. I am not perfect, and I know some days I will fail but is a consistency of doing the right thing as much as I can that will bring me success.

Be fearless.